Failed Attempts
by justpink
Summary: Originally his plan was to sabotage their relationship, but ended up accomplishing something else: "All that boy really needed was a little push." Rated T for language.


Things you might need to know:

-This fic is slightly OOC and crack-ish. And a bit rushed towards the end.

-The nine-year mark thing (you'll see once you read it) is just something I made up, and I honestly don't know whether or not Byakuya proposed to Hisana.

-The "( )" marks indicate the "attempts" (or a change in setting) that were planned by Byakuya; hopefully, this make sense!

-I sure hope you guys know what _kozou _means considering Byakuya said it to Ichigo in the beginning of Bleach. But if you don't, it means "boy" or "brat."

-The _italics_ are thoughts.

Thanks Kristine Eli for proofreading this! My bae.

* * *

><p>Byakuya cannot believe it.<p>

He _cannot_ believe that his adopted little sister has been with that impolite _kozou_ for almost nine years. Of course, he obviously wanted his sister to be happy, but could she not be happy under his home with all her Chappy items and the Seaweed Ambassador? Moreover, did he really have to support her happiness with the number one man he despised the most?

He will not allow any of this. Just because he was defeated _once_ by him in a battle does not mean he can't protect his sister. Seriously, whenever he glanced at anyone, he could visibly see the shiver run down his or her body. And yeah, sure, the brat saved her multiple times but it doesn't prove at all that he can protect her in the future. Exhibit #1: letting that horrid Arrancar stab her in the stomach, which severely injured her. Yes, this _exactly_ proved his point about the punk not being able to protect her.

And with their future: Will he be able to support her? Put a roof above her head? Set food everyday at their dinner table? Can he do all of these like he can?

He knew that he couldn't. Therefore, he must separate the two immediately.

But…why was he doing this _now_?

Because he knew. He knew it was coming no matter how many times he tried to deny it. They were almost at the nine-year mark. He distinctively remembered his parents, and ultimately, him proposing to his wife, Hisana, at the nine-year mark. So, at any day, hour, minute, or second, that brat will propose to her and forever take his precious little sister away. He will not accept—no, _never_ accept the fact that his sister will forever be bonded with him and eventually, have little orange-haired punks running around his manor.

With that he began his objective: sabotage the relationship between his little sister and _him._

* * *

><p>Attempt #1<p>

In his first attempt, Byakuya approached the orange-haired human girl and advised her that if she did what he asked her to do, he would reward her with a supply of anything she needed for a whole year. Oblivious to his goal, she gladly accepted and took the script he provided and instructed her to memorize and recite it to the Kurosaki boy. Only when she executed this objective will he award her with the items she requested for.

After their little meeting, Inoue cheerfully departed to carry out the task, happy to be helping the captain.

He watched her leave and thought that this was way too easy for him. That girl was painfully vulnerable that she actually thought that by doing this, it would help Kurotsuchi-taichou with his research regarding a _love _relationship between human and a mix breed.

( )

"So," Ichigo started as his hands automatically crossed against his muscular chest. He heavily eyed the jittery girl, who—for some reason—was avoiding eye contact with him, and instead, was messing with her fingers and eyeballing the ground. "You needed to tell me something important?"

"Kurosaki-kun," she finally mumbled, trying to find an easy way to formulate on what she had to say. Ichigo slightly leaned forward, patiently waiting for her response. She took a deep breath, shut her eyes, and cried: "I just wanted to tell you that I am very much in love with you!"

"What!" was his instant reaction as he took several steps away from her, clearly taken aback.

"I've always been in love with you! So please, please can you leave Kuchiki-san for me?" she begged, pulling out her cutest puppy eyes. Ichigo stared at her, confused at her sudden outburst.

"U-Um, Inoue? A-Aren't you in a relationship with Ishida?" he stammered, further stepping back from the girl gone crazy and the heated glare that was so intense he might actually melt on the spot.

"O-Oh, what? Hehe, s-silly me!" she nervously giggled as she abandoned the "research" she was supposed to be assisting. She softly knocked the side of her head with her knuckle and stuck her tongue out slightly, giving her a "you got me!" look.

"Yeah…" he hurriedly spun around, ready to leave. He really didn't want to be a roasted strawberry from the fierce glare directed towards him by the menacing figure next to her.

However, before he left Inoue, he informed her amusingly:

"Oh and next time, make sure Ishida isn't standing so close to you like a watch dog when you ever proclaim your love for someone again. Kinda defeats the purpose."

With that, he finally left the two alone.

"That went well," she swung her body around to face Ishida and gave him a victorious smile.

"I can't believe Kuchiki-taichou promised you a year supply of chocolate syrup, bean paste, and pasta just to confess to Kurosaki." He grabbed her hand and dragged her back inside his house. "But I don't want you ever doing that again."

"Mm! At least, we'll have choco bean flavored pasta for dinner every night then!" She offered him a sweet smile, while he sweatdropped next to her.

* * *

><p>Attempt #2<p>

He was mad. He cannot believe that Kurosaki outsmarted his plan. He underestimated him. Not only did he just lose a year supply of chocolate syrup, bean paste, and pasta; he also lost a small amount of his dignity. Was the boy really smart enough to catch up with his plans against him?

Nevertheless, he needed to go forward with his second attempt. This time, however, he will not offer the next person any reward. And he thought of the perfect person for this:

Renji.

He was probably on his way now to the give that boy a good _talk_.

Byakuya smirked internally, confident that his subordinate will certainly end the wretched relationship. It was also the perfect setup: he knew that Renji was not in love with Rukia, and even if he was, he cannot risk getting demoted to just a seat with no rank in his squad. Therefore, Renji would not be emotionally scarred. Although he may be harmed _physically._

Everything was going according to his plan and this time it will definitely work.

( )

"Hey, Ichigo!" Renji called out as he jogged closer to his friend.

"Yo, Renji!" He greeted with a small smile on his face, but eventually dropped once he saw the somber expression painted on his face.

"What's wrong?" Ichigo asked anxiously.

"I need to tell you something," he announced, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "I-I'm still in love with Rukia."

Ichigo growled inwardly and visibly facepalmed himself, thinking, _not this shit again._

"Yeah?" he challenged, not taking him seriously.

"I'm serious!" he insisted as he took a step close and invaded Ichigo's personal space with narrowed eyes.

"Huh. Then why, a few days ago, did you tell me to grow some balls and propose to Rukia, you dumbass." He crossed his arms across his chest and took a step closer to him as well. He noticed Renji gulp nervously, his brown eyes moved from left to right, and attempted to purposely avoid his amber ones.

_Shit!_ Renji thought as he mentally slapped himself. _Did I really tell him that? I am fucking screwed. Hurry, Renji! Think of something! Any-_

"A-Actually! I-I've been in l-l-love with y-_you_ for quite some time now. I've only been using Rukia as an excuse to get close to you." He sputtered idiotically, his face red with embarrassment and his expression had visibly faltered.

_Oh my fu-_

"Are you fucking high right now, Renji?" He questioned and placed the palm of his hand on his forehead to feel his temperature as if being high involved having an increase in body temperature.

"Shut the fuck up, Ichigo!" He swatted his hand away, but urgently reached for it again. "Uh, I-I mean, please don't be mean to me."

"What the hell? Did you steal one of Byakuya's stash again?" He snatched his hand away, getting ready to leave and head out to find Rukia. "Seriously, I swear you are sniffing something."

_Screw this shit_, he thought angrily.

"Fuck it! Just go visit Ukitake-taichou. I think he has something to give you."

"Sure, whatever you say!"

* * *

><p>Attempt #3<p>

He was beyond furious now. Those two idiots were not any of use. He could probably do a better job than those two, but no, he could not risk staining his reputation and nobility by a mere peasant. And so, he had no choice but to desperately use his last and final attempt in splitting the two lovers and preventing numerous amounts of grandchildren.

This time—_this time,_ he was convinced that his brilliant plan would work. You know what they say: "third time's a charm."

( )

Ichigo honestly had no clue on what was going on today. First, Inoue confessed to him even though she was obviously in a relationship with Ishida. Second, Renji confessed his love to Rukia _then _to him? Something was definitely fishy and he's not so sure if he wanted to find out what other surprises someone had in store for him.

He shook the ominous feeling off and instead focused on how glad he was to finally take Rukia back to his home in the living world. He needed some serious alone time with his midget. However, as he walked the down the path pass Ukitake-san's office, he noticed that it was mysteriously quiet and not a single soul can be found. He looked around, reached for his zanpaktou, and was prepared to face any danger that might materialize.

_Rukia! _He immediately thought.

In an instinctive response, he whirled around ready to find and save Rukia from any threat. Instead, he almost clashed into a woman almost as tall as him. She had blonde hair, a curvy figure, and beautiful set of brown eyes. He glanced at her, and wondered why she randomly appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey," she purred with a seductive wink. She basically threw herself at him and dragged her pink colored nails down his arm. He looked down, which was an honest mistake, and was met by a pair of huge _round_ objects. He jumped back quickly and screeched so loud that the whole Soul Society probably heard him

"W-What the hell are you doing! Get off me!" he exclaimed as he accusingly pointed a finger at her.

"Hmm," she circled around him and was shamelessly eyeing his entire muscular figure. "You _are_ hot!"

He blinked once then twice, and all of a sudden four other girls emerged out of nowhere. They giggled and whispered to one another. In a flash, they simultaneously looked at him. Every girl instantly tried to entice him with their bodies and swayed their hips as they walked around him.

"What the—"

"Kurosaki-kun~ You're so hot!" one girl cried as she grabbed his arm and squeezed it.

"HEY!"

"Your abs look rock hard!" another girl reached out to feel his stomach, but was intercepted by Ichigo.

"Stop that!"

_What the hell is going on?_ He grumbled in his head as he pushed the girls away from molesting his body. _Did this girl just seriously go shadow clone jutsu on me?!_

"Why are there so many girls with big bo-AGH! Rukia!" he hollered loudly as soon as he spotted her. "Help me!"

"Ichigo, what hell is going on here?" she demanded with authority. "I leave you alone for a few minutes and this is how you try to ease your boredom?"

"Wha—"

"Back off, tiny! This hottie is ours!" the girl with the short hair interrupted.

Instantly, she could feel her temper rising. She honestly had no time for this! She just wanted to spend a paperwork free weekend with Ichigo and instead, she witnessed him surrounded by a group of girls. So without any hesitation, she took hold of Sode no Shirayuki's hilt and aimed the blade towards the girl without voicing out the command.

"Excuse me, but this _'hottie,'_ here, is already taken. So YOU better back off!" she retorted before she returned her attention to Ichigo, whose eyes were lit with amusement and admiration. "And you! You better have a good excuse for this Ichigo."

"Kya! No! Not the chest!" the girl begged and hid behind Ichigo, who urgently moved next to Rukia.

"Wait! S-Stop!" the blonde hair bimbo who rushed to protect her companion.

"W-We were just ordered to s-seduce Kurosaki Ichigo by y-your brother!" she revealed as she shook with fear. "He said if we broke you two off he'd offer us a lifetime supply of anti-aging cream and lotion for breast enhancement!"

"First of all," she snorted annoyingly and placed her sword back, "there is no such thing as an 'anti-aging cream' and 'lotion for breast enhancement.' Second, your breasts are big enough that it is literally the size of Ichigo's head. And third, my nii-sama would never hire women like you to seduce, and break us up. My brother is not heartless."

Everyone became quiet.

The girl with the blonde hair carefully approached Rukia and gave her the contract. The contract had all of their signatures signed and read that they did, in fact, had a deal. As soon as she looked back at the girls, they sprinted off in the horizon, scared of what Rukia might do.

"Rukia," Ichigo, who stood in front of her, whispered. She studied the piece of paper for a while. She just could not believe it. Yeah, her nii-sama _was _heartless before, but she would never think that he would even attempt to sabotage her relationship with Ichigo. But wait…

After a few seconds she tore her gaze away from the paper and looked at Ichigo, "How do I know that you're not actually cheating on me?"

"Seriously?" Ichigo scoffed at her stupid question. He grabbed both of her arms and peered deeply into her eyes. "Do you honestly think I would ever cheat on you? We've been together for 8 going on to 9 years now. Yeah, we had our fights and misunderstandings, but I swear to you that I have never glanced at another girl that way. You practically own me, Kuchiki Rukia."

"Then prove it."

"Prove it? How?" he asked as he dropped his hands from her arms.

"I don't know, you tell me." She sassed and placed both of her hands on her hips and stared at him.

"Okay," he took out the box that Ukitake-san had given him earlier. "You already know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, right? But do you?"

"Is that even a question?"

"Just answer." He groaned impatiently.

"Yes."

He can't turn back now. He opened the black box and inside was a limited edition Chappy silver ring. He was easily distracted by how her amethyst eyes sparkled with happiness, and her insecurities previously seen in her eyes were now clear from it. He smiled widely at her as he seized her small left hand into his large ones.

"Then can I put this ring on you?" he asked with determination set in his eyes.

"Ye-_wait_," she stopped and gasped audibly. "W-What? Is this a proposal?"

He smirked at her before he kneels down on one knee. The girls from before were back and squealed as they watched the scene unfold. Both Ichigo and Rukia ignored their loud, pig-like noises and continued.

"Kuchiki Rukia, will you marry me?"

She gave him a smirk of her own, "Do you even have to ask? Of course, I'll marry you."

The girls cheered wildly and congratulated them from afar. He beamed at her, while his arms found its way around her body. She giggled uncharacteristically when Ichigo showered her face with multiple butterfly kisses. After several small kisses, he planted a deep kiss on her lips. Her small hands reached out to grab a hold of his hair to further deepen the kiss, and she couldn't help but smile. Finally, they separated to take a breath.

After eight years of being together, he did not expect to officially call Rukia his. It didn't matter to him, though, whether or not they were official on paper. As long as she was there, he was satisfied with his life. But now that they would always be together, he was certain that he would never let go of her. Rukia gaped at him with loving eyes and asked,

"But what about nii-sama?"

"Does it even matter?" he boasted with a cynical smirk. "Besides, it's you and I against Byakuya now." He grasped the hand with the "engagement ring" and guided her towards the Kuchiki manor.

"Isn't it 'against the world'?" she asked curiously, her hand subconsciously tightened itself around his. She could feel the warmth of his hand and reiatsu flow through her. As she glanced up, she saw nothing but a cheesy grin plastered on his handsome face.

"But, in this case, it is technically against the world."

_~Inside the Kuchiki Manor_

Byakuya, obvious that all his plans failed, grumbled:

"Hmph. That was my intention anyway. All that boy really needed was a little push."

* * *

><p>So, I'm back with another one shot. I can't believe I actually wrote this during my Sociology class when I should have been paying attention, but I just had to get rid of it or I would lose my mind! Writing down notes of it didn't help either, so I had to finish and publish it…that way I can finally get it over with. I know, I should <em>try<em> to perfect it, but…nah lol.

But like always, hope you enjoyed this crack-ish one shot and gave you a big fat smile on your face!

Again, if there are any questions, grammar mistakes, awkward sentences, or just general mistakes just PM me. I really learn from it, and it will help me improve my writing skills for future fics. Hope you guys have an exciting and eventful week!


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